monkeymom's Diaryland Diary
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Give a monkey a brain.
I've been feeling crabby all weekend, and bored with everything, so that's why I haven't updated. It's not that there's nothing happening, it's just that I don't care.
Also, I've been having a bit of a personal crisis, in which I have been doubting myself and my motives. It was brought on when RA had a meltdown on Thursday and was fussing about how everyone in the ward calls her and complains about everyone else (well, she is the Relief Society president, so it comes with the job), and she didn't actually say it, but she implied that I was one of them!
It's possible that she didn't mean me at all, but I had been complaining to her about the behavior of someone else in the ward, and I know it's someone she is friends with, and she felt like she had to defend her. RA has been feeling stressed all week because of events she could not control but had something to do with, and by Thursday she had just had enough.
So I felt bad about myself for possibly adding to the pressure, and when I was trying to take a nap that night, I kept running over recent conversations and blaming myself for being negative about other people, until I felt like my head was going to explode, but then Rich came home and I told him about it all, and he was surprisingly supportive and comforting, pointing out that it's not my fault that I have a gift (and a curse) for seeing through bullshit (okay, he said something more like seeing what's real) and that it's a good thing. Oh, okay, then!
So I've been trying to be more positive about the people in the ward, and trying to engage some sort of filter in conversation with RA, where I do not blurt out the first thing that comes to mind when we're talking. Scott will be so proud of me! Look honey, I'm filtering! (When I was going to talk to Carolyn's mother for the first time, shortly after they got engaged, he told me, "You know that filter that people have when they talk? The one that you don't have? Pretend you have one!")
In the spirit of my new non-negative attitude, I made plans to take a walk for exersize with someone I'm not exactly best friends with. When I told Rachel, she wished me luck in that effort, but really, it's going to be fine! I'm going to be friendly, and positive! Yeah, we'll see how that goes.
I'm improving already! I went to the Roadshow rehearsal on Saturday, and I kept my mouth shut and smiled whenever one of the young people said something stupid, which was often. One girl told me that she liked Queen and that she thought Bohemian Rhapsody was brilliant, even though it was about a guy telling his mother he was gay, and I just smiled like she had a brain in her head. WTF? I looked away and raised my eyebrows in disbelief, but there was no one near me who heard that ridiculous remark!
Luckily I have Diana to share with, and when I told her about it, she said, "Give a monkey a brain and they'll swear they're the center of the universe." Now that is brilliant!
11:23 p.m. - 2008-09-21
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